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Red Flags

A friend recently reached out after receiving a message from a potential client that was a laundry list of “requests” for an in person session. She does Domination in her sessions so most of the activities weren’t problematic, but she felt in her gut there was something not right about his message. I was able to help her break it down and put words to the gut feelings.


A bit of background. She is a sex worker who provides companionship and massage, who also offers Domination aspects to her sessions for returning clients. This client was reaching out for a first time session.

After a pleasant greeting calling her beautiful and even acknowledging apologies if this was an inappropriate greeting that she didn’t enjoy. The message then switched to a point form list of his expectations (re: demands) as below:


* May I do cocaine that is pure during our sessions. If no, I’m not interested however if it’s a yes then I’d love a hardcore session

* No safewords

* Marks must be left on me

* Bruising is a must

* My ass should be gaped

* Forced to drink your urine

* 3-6 hours or overnight

* To have a huge suction cup dildo in my ass then held against the wall upright to receive hard kicks to my balls would be incredibly hot.

* Spitting

* If DATY or DATO is on the table. I’ll sign consent papers to anything goes and i’d want you to be ruthless with me


My first response was that there are so many levels of red flags here. Then I offered to break it down so we could see the specifics as they are. She said she hadn’t responded yet as her gut was telling her there was something wrong, mostly the lack of safe words.


First off this reads as a person who spends a lot of time getting high and watching intense kink porn. He sees these things happen on film and feels what those visuals do to his body and believes he wants to experience them all together. I would be shocked if this person actually had any interest in the follow through of a full session as listed. He is someone who gets really excited at the idea, even the sending of the message with the idea of turning his fantasies to reality gives him a rush and a tingle.** But let’s say he is serious, wants this session, possibly has even had sessions like this in the past with other service providers (I find this very doubtful)


I explained that I personally would and will never do a session while someone is under the influence, it dramatically changes their ability to listen to their bodies response to such intense stimulation. They cannot communicate what levels of pain they are in if that pain is numbed, this causes huge risks for permanent damage to happen during intense play sessions.


No safe words is an instant NO! This is incredibly irresponsible on both sides. Safe words ensure that both parties are in tune with what they are doing along with making sure that they are sticking to restrictions and boundaries. 


Under Canadian law you cannot actually consent to another person causing harm to your body. All BDSM play is risking this but the more intense the play the higher the risk for this. His offer to sign consent forms agreeing to anything is useless, and actually opens the provider to legal ramifications with the “required” marks on his body etc.


Several of the “requests'' he made require so much more information before she could agree to them. Bruising, and marks left on his body require knowing how easily he bruises, what areas are safe for her to leave them, based on other areas of his life, etc. It may be totally ok to bruise ass or upper legs, but arms, neck etc could be off limits as more visible for day to day life. Gaping his ass would require understanding how frequently he plays with regular and over-sized toys, his experience with stretching etc. The ass doesn’t gape nearly as easily as people often think it does.


No real issues with the ball kicking, the urine drinking or spitting. DATY and DATO in a power dynamic really come down to the Domme and if she crosses those lines of intimacy with clients in this type of scene. The length of the session (3-6 hours or overnight) fits into his fantasy of a long, drawn out, intense session that combines what he has seen before. It is less than realistic for both parties. That is a really long time for him to maintain a high on coke, or having to go through several highs and lows. It is a long time for a Domme to run a scene with someone she hasn’t played with before and doesn’t know how his body will respond to so much sensation. A range of 3-9 hours is also far too varied for someone to plan a session for, even if a chunk of it is used for all the aftercare that will be required.


Another red flag in his communication is the way in which he sent the information. This reads as someone who doesn’t understand the power dynamic required in a BDSM play session. His “requests” are a laundry list of requirements. 


This screams topping from the bottom and as someone who will want to run the scene which causes major issues for the Domme who has taken on responsibility for the play session. This perspective is hard enough when everyone is sober in a scene, let alone when you add a drug like cocaine. When someone has such a specific scene in mind they are going to be highly anxious for it to play out exactly how he imagines it. Adding the volatility of being high on coke really makes for a high risk situation.


Not every red flag request comes through quite so glaringly obvious as high risk. Sometimes it’s one small thing in an otherwise straightforward and good sounding request for a session. I always suggest really tuning in to your gut/intuition with every session request. Don’t ever talk yourself out of a concern, your gut knows best even if you cannot put it into words. Your safety is always top priority.


**This is based on my experience of over 8 years of having guys come to me to turn their extreme fantasies into reality. 

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